letdown.

I've always had this problem: I hate to disappoint people.

I guess the first time I came face to face with it was during my junior year of high school. I had signed up for a summer program that provided students with an opportunity to live in Switzerland for a couple weeks. I would stay with a family, providing that I only speak in french. It was an exchange of sorts because after my time abroad, someone from my foreign family would come to live with me back home. I was so excited to go, and so was my french teacher. In fact, she was super excited. Every other week beginning in October, she would mention details about the city or cultural things I should be aware of. This exchange is a yearly event, so she has a fondness for it.

But come Christmas, my grandparents surprise my immediate family with this: an itinerary for a tour across Kenya! I could write pages and pages describing that trip, so I'll refrain. To put it short, Switzerland just wouldn't work.

(Wow, I can't understand why God has blessed me with so much. I totally don't deserve to be choosing between trips to Kenya and Switzerland.)

Anyway, the crux. I was gonna have to tell my french teacher the situation. But I didn't. I was able to tell the organization that would have flown me out there, but it was easy because I didn't know them. I loved my professor. I'm actually amazed I held off the secret for as long as I did; it must have been three or four months. She continued to feed me hints and facts every other week, and I just smiled and thanked her. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't let her down. Whenever she talked about her experiences abroad, her eyes lit up and I could feel the passion in her storytelling. I just kept putting it off.

I get a call from my teacher, and she has discovered my lie by omission. And she is so flustered and seething. She isn't upset that I'm not going, but that I had misled her. I'll never forget the shock in her voice.

This story may sound irrelevant and maybe even conceited. But it wasn't easy repairing so many damaged relationships. This affair forced me to look at myself. Because of my distaste for disappointing people, I ended up causing more pain when the truth did come out. Why do people do this? Even when we know the consequences will be severe, why do we hold off until the last possible moment?

I surely can't answer that. But I know that there's more internal struggle to be had once you realize that your own acts are self-destructive. The other day I asked God to help me. And at this moment, I feel like that's all I can do. When I encounter another story like this, I'm gonna try and suck in my pride and let someone down. Respectfully, of course.